A Hallow’s End Tale of Three Gnomes

Bessel

“Zis is a good party, don’t you zink, Bessel?”

“Yeah, I guess. This outfit’s itchy, though. I shoulda dressed like a pirate.”

The “outfit” in question was a frilly black and white maid’s uniform. It clung to the gnome’s body in all the wrong places. She refused to wear the silly little shoes that came with it, and if it hadn’t been for her best friend, Zoey, would have castrated the salesman when he suggested a pair of black glittery heels. Instead, Bessel wore a pair of old black leather work boots because they were comfortable. Unlike the dress. It also gathered funny across her nearly-flat chest, a result of the rigorous daily exercise she maintained. The tiny short sleeves edged with white lace were ready to split at the seams from her musculature.

In other words, she looked ridiculous. But there was something about seeing a gnome with a code tattooed under her left eye, dressed up in a maid’s uniform and wearing kick-ass boots and a massive battle axe strapped across her back that discouraged any kind of laughter.

Except from Zoey, who chuckled in that highly amused way that nearly all draenei had. “I can’t believe you vore zat, it is … reediculous.”

“Life isn’t fun if you can’t make fun of yourself occasionally, that’s what I always say!” But here Bessel hesitated. “Um. Actually. I don’t think I’ve ever said that. That was me. I mean, the other me. You know.”

Zoey shook her head. “Yes, I know. You are … how do they say? Nuts.”

“And you’re impossibly tall!,” Bessel shouted after her, following the pirate-draenei into the Gilded Rose’s common room. The Hallow’s End party was huge, spilling out into the street. In the far corner was a large water-filled tub where people took turns bobbing for apples. Opposite was a large candy bucket that adults clamored over. The innkeeper managed to maintain her charm while handing out prizes. Despite the somber holiday, there was an aura of gaiety, as if this were some kind of hallowed ground that offered protection – if not temporary forgetfulness – from Deathwing’s menace.

Suddenly, people were running as a high pitched scream erupted from the tub’s corner. Drinks were spilled and candy pieces scattered across the polished wooden floor. A hideous ghoul had trapped a young woman behind the tub. There was no doubting by the Light-awful smell that it was real. It held something wet and red in its left hand, offering it to the woman, who shrieked again.

Zoey never understood how gnomes were capable of such maneuvers – Bessel had already taken a few running steps and launched herself into the air. She spun towards the ghoul like a missile, the axe’s honed edge slicing the air in deadly arcs. Zoey found herself with a strange thought, wishing for a snapper so she could freeze that moment forever: a screaming battle maid caught in mid-flight.

At the end of Bessel’s fierce shout, the ghoul dropped the red thing to the floor – it was an apple. This was followed by a heavy thunk!, shattered plaster and splintered wood as the axe chopped into the wall. The weapon was so large that Bessel used her momentum to vault into the air, where she flipped over and landed on the broad side of the axe, which had come to rest sideways out of the wall like a metal gnome-sized platform. The ghoul’s rotted face stared blankly at the thing that had almost ended its unlife, then picked up the apple and began to eat it.

Bessel quickly struggled with the maid’s uniform in an attempt to straighten it, resulting in a sharp tearing noise from her backside. She swore.

“Hey, whose ghoul friend is this?!,” she yelled. People were taking cautionary glances around corners and bookcases and from under the stairs. The terrified woman let one of her hands slowly drop so she could peep.

“Flying wrenches, this costume’s a piece of shit!” Bessel wriggled some more, as if trying to convince the uniform it could magically expand, but there was no such luck.

“Hey! Hey!” She anxiously waved at Zoey as a terrible thought occurred, her voice lowering to a hiss of a whisper. “I didn’t … show anything, did I? I’m not used to these things.”

For once, Zoey was dumbstruck. “Uhhhh. No? I-” The inn’s doorway darkened, and Zoey turned to stare. “Vat is zat?”

“Brown!”

The doorway barely contained one of the largest draenei Bessel had ever seen. He was a death knight to boot. Even Zoey seem impressed by his size, if not a little repulsed by what he was. And yet despite his bulk and “condition,” the draenei held himself with ancient grace, bowing at the innkeeper and uttering a sincere apology for disrupting the party.

“Farmer Brown! Here!” He nodded satisfactorily when the ghoul scurried to his side. “You find apples? Good. You remember what I teach, no?”

Bessel, who was still standing on the makeshift platform wedged several feet above the floor, saluted the death knight then pointed at the woman who was just now extracting herself from the corner. “I think she thought ‘Farmer Brown’ was going to eat her. Lucky I saw those apples or else your friend would be dead. Undead? No. Dead.”

The draenei looked shocked. “No, no, no, you misunderstand!” Somehow, he commanded a rather compassionate voice. “Farmer Brown would not hurt anyone! I teach him, no? Do not eat the flesh. Eat fruit, drink milk. He can be good, he only needs to remember.” As if to emphasize this, he gave the ghoul an amiable pat on the shoulder.

Without waiting for any kind of rebuttal, the death knight removed a large coin purse and began counting out pieces of gold, handing a sizeable amount to both the innkeeper and would-be victim.

“For your troubles,” he explained, and gave a majestic bow. “And you,” he added, inclining his head to the gnome, “Thank you for not killing Brown. He has learned much, but his manners could use improving, no?”

He was about to offer more money, but Bessel declined. “That’s why I have her around,” she said, motioning at Zoey.

“As you wish.” He bowed a final time, the ghoul imitating its master, and they left.

Bessel jumped off the axe and did her best to pry it free – that is, she did her best to reach it. To Zoey’s horror, she realized just how much of the maid uniform had split along the back, and hurried to spin the gnome around and press her against the wall.

“Don’t move, you give everyone show.” In a hushed whisper, she asked, “You really vore pink with zat?”

It only took Zoey half a dozen tries to finally wedge the axe free. Scooping her friend up in her other arm, the pair hurried out of the Gilded Rose.

“Next time, you dress like a pirate, ya?”

“Yeah.”

————————————————————-

Jinnicky

“Excuse me.”

“Yes ma’am?”

“I was informed you are a card reader. I would like my fortune told.”

“Uhhhh. I don’t know who told you that, but I haven’t read in a long time. I’ve got a lot of assignments I’m working on. I’m sorry, but I –“

“The gentlemen over there told me.”

“Oh. Oh. Look, I could get in trouble for this. Things aren’t what they used to be. But … if he told you … look, just come over here. Yeah, right through here, there you go. I can sit on the ground, don’t worry … go ahead and take the chair so you don’t get those white robes dirty. What did you want to know?”

“It is not what I want to know. It is what the universe wants to tell me.”

“… right. I understand.”

“You will do a good job. You still carry your cards.”

“It’s … a habit. Okay, so I want you to shuffle these cards and think about what you told me. About what you wanted.”

“As you wish. Pumpkins?”

“Not this again. Yes, pumpkins. Anyway. That’s good. Alright, just hand me the deck and we’ll get started. I’m going to draw three cards, okay?

It looks like you’ve been working on something, maybe putting some plans into motion that will need to develop. Apparently there’s some risk involved, or at least you feel there’s an element of risk that you’re not sure is worth taking. As long as you understand the consequences of your actions, the cards say now is the time to act or forever lose the opportunity. Because if you do act, in the end you’ll be rewarded for your efforts. This is pretty huge. The Sun is a major card.”

“I see. May I look at the cards?”

“Of course.”

“Is … is that a vegetable golem?”

“Um. Yes. He has a watermelon body and pea pods for arms and legs.”

“… interesting.”

“I know this gnome … she’d probably try to make one if she saw this. Come to think of it, if I didn’t know any better I’d say you could pass as her sister. You look an awful lot like her.”

“…”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to -”

“No, it is fine. Here is a tip. Thank you for your time.”

“You’re welcome.”

“And Jinnicky? I take no offense. We are related, in a way.”

“…”

“Jinni? Hey Jinni! There you are! Did you see that strange gnome? She was asking specifically for you, so I thought it would be okay to … hey are you alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost …”

————————————————————-

Nozz

Over the years, Nozz had developed a love-hate relationship with holidays that was mostly built on hate. But those years had been spent inside a stifling city, crammed wall-to-wall with every detestable rat one could imagine.

This year was going to be different, because Nozz had tried an experiment. Pumpkins. Normal pumpkins, too, not some monstrous half-elf, half-vegetable variety (although that seemed redundant). But the experiment almost failed. Squash borers arrived late in the season and nearly destroyed everything save for a few hardy pumpkins, and out of that handful only one was of good enough size to decorate for Hallow’s End.

She carefully monitored them, keeping track of their size and appearance. And when the time was right, Nozz removed the largest one from the vine.

It wouldn’t budge.

“What the fel?,” Nozz asked, unable to roll the pumpkin onto its side. “Something’s wrong here.”

More vines had grown around the pumpkin, vines she hadn’t noticed before. Shears were poised to snick them away when the pumpkin screamed.

Nozz screamed back.

All of a sudden, the pumpkin jumped out of the ground, standing on its viny legs and waving its viny arms around. Its Jack-o’-lantern face peered at the gnome, grinning something sinister.

But Nozz brandished her shears. “Alright, back off! I’ve worked too hard to make sure you lived til Hallow’s End, but by all that’s unholy I’ll kill you if I have to!”

It hopped back, as if startled, and plopped to the ground: a normal pumpkin. A clatter came from the farmhouse as Malfos shut the window to the sound of a gnome screaming at her harvest.

Nozz began removing the other pumpkins, which cooperated like normal pumpkins should. But every so often she’d catch movement from the corner of her eyes, and would turn around in time to see the mobile Jack-o’-lantern settle back down on its vines.

She put the other pumpkins in a sunny spot to cure. No surprise, the unpumpkin had followed.

“Don’t you try to fool me, I know what you’re up to. And if you want to keep existing, you’d better follow me.”

Miraculously, the threat worked.

Menders’ Stead was not far away. Nozz flagged down Adrine, a tauren druid, one who had grown somewhat accustomed to the eccentric gnome.

“I have a question about something.” Nozz placed the pumpkin on the ground. “Show Adrine what you can do.”

Nothing.

The tauren gave Nozz a quizzical (if not amused) look.

In a flash, Nozz whipped out the shears. “I’m going to slowly snip off every one of your godsdamned vines if you don’t show her. NOW DO IT.”

To her shock, Adrine watched as the Jack-o’-lantern sprang to life. Its carved glowing face wore a look of defeat.

“He’s the only one like it from the patch,” Nozz explained. Her voice became worried. “He’s going to be okay, right? He’s going to live? It would be pretty mean if he just dropped dead after a couple of weeks.” The pumpkin tilted its head at her, its expression softening as it realized the gnome was inquiring about its well being.

Adrine knelt down and examined the Jack-o’-lantern, although even with her druidic training she wasn’t sure exactly what she should look for. “We’re still in the process of healing this land. The Scourge held such a grip, and as you can see the Plague still has an affect here. But I suspect he will exist indefinitely.” The tauren offered a warm smile at Nozz. “Or at least until you follow through on your threats.”

“Well, okay then. But if he tries to kill me …”

Snick!

“I don’t believe you have anything to fear.”

“I guess that’s that, then. Hey, what can you tell me about apples? I’d like to start a couple of trees so I can grow apples for a friend.”

Adrine nodded. “We have a seed catalog that I can show you.”

Later on, Adrine and another druid watched as Nozz left with a packet of seeds, the sinister squashling following a safe distance behind.

“Apples, eh? Did you warn her about the pome wraiths?”

“No. I thought it would be amusing to let her figure out that one as well.”

=========================

[[Notes:

Bessel’s Hallow’s End costume was inspired by a forum thread. The draenei death knight and his ghoul, “Farmer Brown,” were inspired by real characters Nozz encountered back on SoE. Regrettably, I don’t remember the DK’s name. If that player should ever read this, I hope I did your character some kind of justice, because even though we only roleplayed once I thought you were one of the best (and morbidly humorous) DK roleplayers I’ve ever met.

Jinnicky’s “customer” is the same “gnome in white” that Nozz has run into a couple of times in the past.

Nozz’s tale is inspired by “I Ain’t Sayin’ You a Gourd-Digger.” I also wanted to write a different approach to the sinister squashling pet.

Hopefully it was all fun.]]