I shouldn’t be doing this. But I am.

It’s still wrong. No matter if I’m in my furs, no matter if my back is to him, no matter if I’m saving his life by keeping him warm. We’re touching. It’s wrong.

I don’t need this judgment now.

Afraid of the thoughts, afraid of the imaginings, the what-ifs and where did I go wrongs. What’s it like? What’s it like to have someone with you when you fall asleep at night, to have that same person greet you in the morning, over and over? That’s what I thought it would be, right? That somehow words and a band of metal would turn wishful thinking into reality.

Nothing like this …

Light, he is so cold. I hope this works fast. I don’t like being this close. What if someone walks in and sees? What if he comes in? But he has no reason to be here, no reason to leave that hole. He doesn’t really miss me, deep down I know that’s a lie. You don’t stay away from what you miss if you can help it, you try to come back. If there ever was a sign, this is it.

What if I had another chance, even if there are no second chances for people like me?

I’ve got to sit up. I can’t stand this anymore. What if things had been different, what if I’d made better choices? What if it had been you? Your words still ring true through my mind:

You deserve better than this.

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